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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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5:44 am - it's been too long
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this has to be quick, i dont trust the security on this public computer so pardon typoes
i am alive, i have a lot to talk about, but not right now. i dont know why i want to or am talking to you right now, but i want to say something and i prefer this annoymous forum to a real person, i have to hide
i will, im leavng everythingbehind
everything
goodbye
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 12th, 2002
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1:09 am - The Return...
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The Dragon came back. Something, someone, had beaten her badly, she was very badly injured, but... she came back. Sunami's back... I feel a lot better, but I also have this feeling like I shouldn't.
She makes me happy, to be around her, but I feel guilty. I've never felt guilty before. Why... why with her, of all things...? I don't understand it...
I also met an old 'friend' last night while I was out picking up some supplies. Doctor Lecter, the psychiatrist of Pokemorph Isle... the only I know about, anyway. Ninetales-morph; he's an odd one, but I like him. I think he tries to creep me out... he's always entertaining to talk to, at least. I wish I could seek him out more often, elusive Ninetales.
Maybe I ought to find him more and talk to him... I'd like to learn more about him, though I doubt I will. He's a very self-guarding creature, I can tell that already; but maybe in exchance for information...
At least, for the most part, I'm keeping my mind off him...
current mood:  thoughtful
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 29th, 2002
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9:42 pm - Alone again
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Always comes down to this. I guess the only people I can trust, after all, are my Pokemon. And Kain's. I trust the dog, too, but that's a given... she's a kid. She doesn't know any better.
I tried to kill myself again, but I couldn't do it. I didn't even get far enough to prove, again, that I couldn't die... I just couldn't cut myself. At all. I don't know why. Rage talked to me last night, it was a little comforting.
I've come to the conclusion that Kain only used me, all those years. Just as an easy lay, that's all. I'm just a slut in the end, I guess. So... why can't I forget him?
The Dragon is gone, it seems. Dahmer set up a place in the mountains for us, but we waited for many days... I didn't want to leave without the Dragon, but she never came back. I'm not sure even existed, it seems too... perfect... but they said they saw her, too... No, it was perfect. She left me, like everyone else.
I wonder where Taleyen is, if she's passed on. I feel I can still trust her, and she hasn't left me- if she did, it wasn't by her choice. Guess I do have one other than ex-Team 'mon I can trust.
I'm not surprised, but I wish it wouldn't hurt so much.
current mood:  lonely
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 12th, 2002
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7:10 pm - Gone for good
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He didn't see the posters. He didn't come back... I took most of them down, anyway. It's been a week... he must have left already, back to the mainland, or something...
I could follow him, but what's the point? He'd hide from me, if he's left...
I'll have to survive without him. I'll be fine.
I hope.
More have come to live with us. Even more. Xia, for some reason, decided to bring home this half-dead Dragonair-morph she found. I don't know why... I was pretty irritated at first. More, and we didn't even know her.
I talked to her some, though. Her name is Sunami. She's had a very rough life, worse than me... she escaped Rocket, that's what happened to her. I told her she could stay with us. We'll protect her and help her.... I feel I can trust her, already.
She's also got this awesome weapon I looked at... a metallic bow, lots of arrows. She might even be able to damage a Tyranitar with it. Very impressive.
I might like this girl... maybe with her around, I'll survive, after what Kain did. I'll live... I think...
current mood: contemplative
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| Thursday, September 5th, 2002
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12:35 am - I'm an idiot
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I thought about it. Last night, what I did...
I'm so stupid...
destroyed all those pictures... every last one... the photo...
it's gone, i burned that photo. i'm so stupid
have to be quiet so i don't wake up the others
stupid girl. maybe i still have some pictures of kain on here... i can get them printed later, its something
i figured hed try to leave, it seems like a kain thing to do, so i put up posters... i want him back... maybe its not best but i want him back
posters with lyrics... drawing... entei and chained articuno... im stuck, i cant stop loving him, evn if i hate him
please see the posters kain... please come back...
current mood:  scared
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002
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8:41 pm - That bastard!
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Bastard... just... that bastard...
I hate him...
I went back to the apartment, to clean up... the dog decided to stay with me, but... Diablous was there. Kain hurt him - he hurt his own - Diablous! He hurt DIABLOUS! The dog's ribs are just shattered... his hind leg is fractured, and his horn is broken straight off...
I knew Kain was sadistic, a bastard, but I can't believe he'd go this far!
I bet he would have killed the dog - no, I can't call her that... Hibashira - if she wasn't out. He would have. Diablous probably ran and hid, and Kain didn't want to chase after him... that's probably the only thing that saved that dog...
Diablous is mine now. If he wants it. I'll take care of him.
I don't try to kill my companions.
Then he had the gall to leave me a letter. Trying to apologize, or some shit. Comparing us to his goddammed brother. His BROTHER! Talking about how he can be a better 'mate' - Screw you. I don't want a mate, I want a lover, a partner. If I wanted a mate, I'd...
I can't say that. No.
I destroyed the letter. I destroyed every last picture I ever drew of him.
I destroyed my only photo of him.
No regrets.
Wherever you are, Kain... Fuck You. I hope you're suffering as bad as the rest of us... bastard doesn't even begin to describe it...
I hope you find this post.
current mood:  enraged
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 2nd, 2002
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2:06 am - Missing in action
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I guess Kain was serious. He's left me. Or I left him. I don't care.
That's wrong. Stupid. I do care.
I still love the asshole. I always will... I don't think he cares for me anymore. I'm sure he doesn't. He hasn't even bothered to find me yet.
I'm living with Xia and her son, Thanos, now. I guess I'll live out here in the forest with them. Back to the good old days, but... not.
Xia hasn't seen her mate, Rage, in a long time. I wonder if he's looking for her.
No, I won't do that. I know Rage, I know he cares for Xia. He loves her, even if he did take another mate... he'll come for Xia, too. He won't leave her.
More than can be said for myself.
I'm sick of these public computers. I don't know why I'm even bothering to post this here, anyway. I just want to get it out.
I still can't tell Xia what happened... it hurts too much, still...
I updated the bio here. I guess I needed to.
I want to rip out this damn heart. It's not even mine. It doesn't belong in me.
Maybe if I die, Kain will be happy. No more Liz to bitch at him. I won't have to bother Xia anymore.
He cared when I killed myself before. He wouldn't know.
He wasn't around to save me that time. He won't be if I do it again. He won't even know.
But first, I need to go back to the house and get my laptop. And tell the dog.
current mood:  apathetic
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 1st, 2002
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2:33 am - It's been done
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Kain and I had a fight tonight... a big fight. We may not even be together anymore.
Over eight years, and it comes down to this...
What happened... I thought it could work, despite that he could be such an asshole. I guess I was wrong. He thinks he makes me feel like shit, and I told him why I'm so messed up...
He told me won't bother to stay around. I left. I'm not living there anymore... I said I wouldn't come back, but I will, later. To get the computer, to tell that dog she can't live there anymore. To turn in the key and give the apartment back, and I suppose, clear out some of my stuff.
I'll have to take down the drawings, I'm sure... I don't know what I'll do with the ones of him...
Burn them, maybe, in his honor...
That's it. I'm on my own again. Maybe I'll find Xia and stay with her for a while, but now... it's just me and Asu. Always been just me and the mon, but now it's down to one.
It's so sad. If I could cry, I think I would
I'm on my own. If Kain still even cares, he can find me. I'm not waiting for him anymore...
current mood: crushed
current music: Enigma, 'Why...!'
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| Sunday, July 28th, 2002
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5:55 pm
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I mentioned Taleyen before, didn't I?
There's few people I trust. Almost all of them used to be members of my team or Kain's team. A large number of them are dead. There is a few outside of that group, however.
Taleyen was... is... one of them.
She... was a dragon. Beautiful black one. I hadn't heard from her in a long time. She had a habit of going off on killing sprees, and I assumed she was just on another one...
Today, at the park, I was approached by this... thing. It was black, and shedding feathers... like some sort of living shadow. I thought it was a bird, a Murkrow, then it spoke to me.
It knew my name. I thought it was... Kro... but no, no...
Kro is gone...
It was Taleyen. I saw. She's been reduced to... a ghost, a black shadow, I can't even touch her... she can't touch me. She was killed. By a Rocket dragon.
I swear to the gods... by Articuno, I will kill them. Team Rocket. That dragon. I will find it and kill it. No one does this to my friends...
No one.
Taleyen... gave me a flask of blood. Dragon's blood. The last of it she had, she said... I wonder if it's her own blood... I'm torn. I can't drink it, but...
I took one of her feathers. She was shedding them, everywhere... I'm surprised ghosts have feathers. I'm even more surprised it's lasting this long... I can't put it down. I'm afraid it'll fade away, like she did...
Team Rocket, I'll get you for this... you've taken another away from me.
... I had better go. I hear Kain waking up...
current mood: enraged
current music: Susie van der Meer, 'Somebody has to pay'
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
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9:49 pm - ...Never cease to be amazed
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There was a little karaoke night going on at the bar the other night. I usually show up to those... they're amusing. Sometimes there's some pretty good performances, though... every now and then a live band will show up for a song or two, or some nice, actual singing or a capella. Sometimes I'll perform, too, but not often do I find a song worth bothering with. The Nightclub hosts occasional karaoke contests... those always have the best competitors. So I went to the latest one... I even entered. I did a song off the soundtrack to an old movie, a song I'm rather fond of.
I left a note at home for Kain to join me... and, surprisingly, he did.
But that's not what really shocked me- he performed. That's right, Kain actually sang. Hell.. Kain can sing. And play a guitar, no less. Where and when the hell did he learn that?! I damn near had a heart attack when he did that...
The song he picked really struck home, though. Maybe that's what kicked my heart. Something about drowning... ha ha...
I don't want to think about that. I'm still suffering from the strokes, then. Again... maybe I'll talk about that later. Maybe not.
I guess I've just been away a lot longer than I've thought... I wound up falling asleep with Kain that night. We were snuggling on the couch and just fell asleep. It was kind of nice. I miss that.
Things change a lot in eight years.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Run Lola Run soundtrack, 'Believe'
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 6th, 2002
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12:51 am - Survey thing...
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Well, I see other people doing them all the time- so what the heck, I'll do one of my own. Wow.
1. [Spell your name backwards] etkic zil
2. [Where do you live?]: Prism-aka-Pokemorph Island, in some little apartment.
3. [Describe yourself in 4 words]: Bitch, scarred, hated, cold.
4. [Who is your worst enemy?]: Christopher. He will die... one day...
5. [If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?]: Any 'pets' I've wanted, I already have or have had.
6. [What is the latest you've ever stayed up:] Over 48 hours with no sleep. Does that count?
7. [Ever been to Belgium?]: What?
8. [What's your favorite coin?]: I don't know.
DESCRIBE YOUR
9. [Wallet]: Old, cracked black leather. Used to have a stylized Articuno printed on it, but it was worn off years ago.
10. [Brush]: Black with wire bristles. Full of purple and silver hair.
11. [Toothbrush]: Red handle, white bristles.
12. [Jewelry worn daily]: A ring on every single finger, and... all of my piercings. Do you really want to know them? ... Ask.
13. [Pillow cover]: Dark blue.
14. [Blanket]: Dark blue sheets.
15. [Coffee cup]: Don't have one, really...
16. [Sunglasses]: Plain black. Nondescript. I rarely wear them.
17. [Underwear]: Black silk boxers I snitched from Kain. They're rather comfy.
18. [Shoes]: Black leather workboots with steel toes and lots of cleats in the soles. I put those there.
19. [Handbag]: Don't have one.
20. [Favorite top]: What I wear all the time, of course... the blue t-shirt with the slit open front, over the black fishnet.
21. [Favorite pants]: Again... usual attire. Those baggy olive-green pants with all the useful pockets.
22. [Cologne/Perfume]: ... No.
23. [CD in stereo right now]: None.
24. [Tattoos]: A small eye on my left hip, an eye creature on the inside of my right calf and a tiny pair of Articuno wings on my shoulderblades.
25. [Piercings]: One in my lower lip, both ears (though I never wear them there anymore), one in the webbing of my hand, navel (rarely wear that one, too), tongue, eyebrow and some more sensitive areas. Guess.
26. [Wearing]: Usual attire. See above.
27. [Hair]: Purple. Really. It's naturally a bright purple.
28. [Makeup]: None. Am I that ugly?
WHAT/WHO (is/are)
29. [In my mouth]: Teeth and a tongue.
30. [In my head]: Brains.
31. [Wishing]: I will find Mother dear and Christopher someday... Ahh, yes.
32. [After this]: Probably taking another walk...
33. [Talking to]: Asu, in my lap.
34. [Eating:] Nothing.
35. [Do you like candles]: Sure... not much on fire.
36. [Do you like hot wax]: I guess.
37. [Do you like incense]: Some scents.
38. [Do you like the taste of blood]: Hell yes.
39. [Fetishes]: There's a lot...
40. [If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason]: Mother dear and Christopher. Mother, for reasons no one else could ever understand. Christopher, for making me the fucked-up little creature I am today. Thank you, really... I might have been almost normal without you.
41. [Person you wish you could be with right now]: Kain...
42. [What/Who is next to you]: Asu is sleeping in my lap.
43. [What do you want done with your body when you die]: Eaten by wild beasts.
44. [Do you believe in love]: I suppose I have to say yes.
45. [Do you believe in soulmates]: I refuse to answer that.
46. [Do you believe in love at first sight]: No.
47. [Do you believe in Heaven]: No.
48. [Do you believe in forgiveness]: Only in some circumstances. Rape can never be forgiven.
49. [Do you believe in God]: Only the Gods of the Pokemon. Articuno and Lugia.
50. [What's something that you wish people would understand]: The fact that I just want to pretend they don't exist. We're all happier that way.
51. [What's something you wish you could understand better]: Kain.
52. [What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow]: Life to go back to 'normal'- ha.
That was... amusing, I suppose.
current mood: cynical
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 4th, 2002
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12:44 am - Here I am again, little journal...
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Odd, I didn't think I'd have use for this thing just yet, again. And I don't, really, but yet... here I am.
I guess there is something to pouring out one's heart to an uncaring text-based internet world.
Yeh, nothing really has happened since yesterday. I went out on another walk, a short one today, just to the beach and back. Kain was gone when I got home. He didn't come back yet, so I went for a longer walk. He's still not home, maybe he came home and left again. He'll be back eventually, I'm not going to worry about it. I've been rather aloof lately anyway, and I know it. Not sure why, but... it'll go away, eventually.
Heh, look at that, two people actually bother to comment to this thing. Odd, huh? What the hell... I added them to my friends list. Doubt they'd add me back, but at least I've got something there. I've decided anyone who comments in my journal will go on my Friends list. So... beware. Hahaha.
Speaking of friends...
I wonder whatever happened to mine? Well, the closest things I have to friends, excepting my team-turned-morphs, now. Taleyen and Nadal. I haven't seen hide nor hair of either of them in months...
Could I actually be worried?
... I don't know.
This sort of scares me. I do wonder what happened to the both of them, though.
The dog has been pretty quiet, too. She goes on walks like the rest of us, I think. Or maybe I've just been ignoring her that much. I shouldn't do that, I need to train her so she won't be so weak.
Stupid Scyther.
I think I'll go for another walk. Nothing else to do around this forsaken rock.
current mood: aggravated
current music: Rammstein, 'Sehnsucht'
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
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7:57 pm - Well then...
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Let's give this journal thing a try, shall we? Seems like an interesting enough concept, and what the hell, I chronicle my stupid little life, anyway. Ha. Doubt anyone will add me to their 'friends' list, though, but what do I care? This is just for my own amusement.
We'll see.
So, what can I say here? I guess I could talk about myself... but I won't. Ha, ha.
I'll use this... whenever I damn well feel like it. Maybe every day, maybe this will be only post.
...
There's some interesting little features on this thing, really. I can set it so only certain people can view this. I could do that, perhaps, but why bother? I doubt anyone would know me, anyway, so what's it matter?
Well... Kain could find this. I doubt it, though, I don't think he's ever touched a computer before. He just ignores me when I use my little laptop here. He can't use my laptop, anyway, the thing's loaded with passwords and other nifty little devices. I bet no one thinks the freaky purple-haired chick is a hacker, huh?
Just one of my many talents. Ha, ha.
I'll leave this here, anyway. If he finds it? Well, let him. I doubt he'd find it, anyway, or care. Damned if I know what goes on in that man's mind.
Which leads me to another thing...
Life has been slow lately. Maybe that's good. No signs of Rocket since the base went up. But on the other hand... it leaves me here to do nothing. Still no more on Mother dear, of course. If I wasn't so stubborn, I'd give up. Kain's been even more unpleasant than normally lately. All I ever do with him is sex or fight.
Yeah, life is slow. It's getting boring. I keep going on long walks. I think they annoy Kain, but what the hell can he do about it? He doesn't own me, anyway.
I don't know. I think I'm falling apart. Like... the rest of him.
You know, my heart?
No, wait, you don't know. Ha, silly me.
I'll tell you later, if I feel like it...
current mood:  blah
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 26th, 2002
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9:06 pm - Testing...
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
liz_cikte's journal
working